The Switcheroo

It's amazing how when you really like someone who's done something quite shocking to you, you can forgive them and move on as if nothing had ever happened. With some people, no matter how hard or how much you tell yourself to move on, forgive and forget, a part of you never does.
I was set up with a guy by someone who knows me quite well and this is what i heard about the guy: he had done the army, paratroopers no less, and was now studying in the [Oy Veyz]Mir yeshiva. Impressive. there were some other details that impressed me but they elude me right now.
Came the night of the date and the guy picked up in a car (2 points!). We started to drive and he told me how he had served in the rabbanut in the army and about his family. I remember thinking, was i told paratroopers (and not rabbanut) or did i imagine it? I shrugged off the oddness of it and we sat down at a coffee house and continued talking. He spoke about his family and went through his siblings and what each one did. He mentioned an older brother who had done the army, paratroopers, in fact, and was now learning in....THE MIR! I did a split-second double-take and then carried on like nothing had happened. Like I hadn't just realised I was on a date WITH THE WRONG BROTHER!
When I got home I was fuming. And I mean really mad. I felt cheated and played around with. What happened was this: A month before coming to israel for a visit my mother told the shadchan I was coming soon and he should get in touch with the guy. she didn't give an exact date because a year ago when she told the shadchan and he told the boy, a month ahead, the boy started seeing someone and was unavailable by the time i came. so this time, knowing i was coming "soon", he wouldn't start seeing someone else.
The shadchan tried to get through to the boy, who had originally agreed to go out, but couldn't. In the interim the shadchan met the boy's brother and thought he might also be a good idea. (actually i don't know if he actually MET the brother, or just heard good things about him) But here's where things get sticky: the shadchan somehow forgot to mention to me and to my mother about The Switch. So I went on the date thinking I was going out with Mr. Potentially Right and ended up discovering in the middle of the date that it was Mr. Out-of-left-field. The funny thing is (there always has to be something funny, or else why would i keep doing this to myself?) I enjoyed myself enough to be willing to go on a second date. Only the boy found me too American and too intimidating. And this after marvelling on the date that i was more israeli than he had been told - that i had, in fact, spent most of my life in israel, read hebrew novels like any israeli, and probably had a higher vocabulary than most native israelis.
That last bit sounds pretty aloof and snobby but since this is my place to rant about the truth, why not. The whole story doesn't sound so bad once written down but at the time it was pretty horrible. the shadchan FORGOT TO MENTION THE SWITCH. how does that happen?
anyway, like i said in the beginning, the shadchan himself is so nice, and meant to help and did not intend for any of this to happen, so all is forgiven and i'm left with a great story to tell.

"Let's Leave Things Here For Now..."

I've rarely had to use that line. In fact, of the many guys i've dated (i don't know an actual number, i find it negative to start dating and keep track of the number of guys you've been out with from the beginning) I can only remember one where I had to put the evening out of its misery by using it.
The first time, I can't remember who the shadchan was, but it was so not shayach, we just sat in silence in the hotel lobby most of the time. This was when silences were still awkward for me. now, if i have nothing to say or want the guy to contribute a bit to the conversation, i'll "allow for" or "arrange" silences until he says something. In this case, it was a sentence here, a sentence there but for the most part silence in between sips of soda.
I finally decided to end the awkward evening by saying "let's leave it here for now, and we'll be in touch on the phone."
More recently, a friend suggested someone for me. My father wanted to meet him first, maybe screen him, and the boy insisted I not be there when they meet. (it happened to be i was going out anyway, otherwise I would have...resisted, let's say)
when we actually met in the hotel lobby, some kind of mental wall clanged down in my head (like prison doors slamming shut) and I had nothing to say to the guy by way of conversation. we sat down and ordered drinks and straight off the bat he started asking me the kind of questions you ask when you have nothing else to say: "so what kind of music do you listen to?" (i wasn't going to tell him I don't like most jewish music) "what do you like to do in your free time?" the funny thing was, the shadchan in this case had advised me not to talk about current events, future plans, or "my animals", but the guy brought up every single one of those topics!
There were some silences, and the thoughts racing through my head were what kind of excuses i could give for getting out of this date. it was going nowhere, and it was almost physically painful to just sit there avoiding/not avoiding each other's direct look.
I couldn't tell him I was meeting friends and had to go because we had prearranged the time for the date. I couldn't tell him I needed to get home to my mother because...what for? Every so often (I counted 4 times) he would ask me "so is there anything you want to ask me?" but there wasn't. I had asked him everything i could think of, his family, his education, future plans.
I told myself i would do the polite thing and stick it out for one hour. but after 40 minutes of painful awkwardness and the fourth "so is there anything you want to ask me?" i decided to put an end to the date and used the only polite thing left to say. (i seriously wracked my brain for anything, something nice to say to end it) I told him we should leave it here for now and be in touch over the phone. he seemed agreeable to this and as soon as he had walked me to the door of the hotel, he bolted. Yes, bolted.
the funny thing was, the next day the shadchan called to tell me he wanted to go out again.

Thank Goodness for Anna Ticho

I have a new rule that anyone dating should adopt: DON'T AGREE TO THE SHIDDUCH IF THE SHADCHAN DOESN'T KNOW YOU BOTH! "know" is free for interpretation. It could be someone who actually knows you personally, or it could be a shadchan/it who interviewed you. What it can't be is someone who knows your parents well but has never even seen you, or someone who knows the other person's parents so they know the other person comes from a good family and is a good boy/girl.

Someone who knows me (and my family) very well suggested a boy for me. Knowing this person knew me well I agreed to give it a try. Now, I don't know what it is with me and shirts, but guys - how about a nice shirt (see the Nebi Samuel guy) that fits! this guy wore a white shirt that was kinda too big for him. No, that's not why I nixed him but it didn't help him.

We met outside Anna Ticho house, it was in the summer, in the morning, it was nearly 30 degrees celsius (90s Fahrenheit?). He indicated that he would like to go for a walk. Now, i admit it was bad planning on my part, but I hadn't had a chance to put a thing in my mouth yet that day and besides not wanting to start down the road to dehydration (a fear of mine), I at least wanted to drink something. Also, it's kind of hard to look someone in the eye and have a conversation with them while your walking up and down Yaffo street, looking where you're going. So I suggested we sit for drinks in the Anna Ticho restaurant. He reluctantly agreed and we ordered drinks. After awhile I was really hungry and apologised to him and said I really needed to eat something and ordered a soup. (I have to add this: it was not a gourmet, three-course meal, it was just a soup!) We talked and i could see this wasn't going towards a second date. This was later confirmed when it came time to pay. the guy fished around in his pockets for about 10 minutes and finally managed to find a twenty shekel bill (the equivalent of less than $5). Now I understand if the guy can't afford to take girls to restaurants and fancy places, but oh my gosh! He didn't come prepared for ANYTHING! He literally had planned to take a long walk in the heat and call it a date. I know I sound bitchy and spoiled but think about it - he didn't even bring money FOR DRINKS! it's a basic common courtesy IN ANY CULTURE! AND HE WAS AMERICAN! I finally told him i'd pay for the drinks and the soup and he could leave a tip if wanted to.

The נבי סמואל Guy

I guess I should have clued in to something when the guy showed up in a t-shirt and pants. I did my usual thing - I got dressed up, chol hamoed/dating clothes which means nice, not too fancy, in between work and shabbos clothes but with shabbos makeup and tall black boots. I want to make a good impression after all.

He picked me up in a car, which in Israel is impressive, and I noticed we were driving away from the city (I was living in a northern suburb of Jerusalem at the time) so I asked him where we were going. He said he wanted to go to Kever Shmuel HaNavi (the burial site of the prophet Samuel). Um, okay....

We get there and it looks like the gate is closed and locked. Actually, it just looked closed, I prayed with all my heart it was locked. Since this was our final destination he decided to get out and double check. This is where God's sense of humour comes into play. The gate was unlocked. In fact, it never gets locked and people are free to go in and out at all hours.

I got out of the car and tottered over on my heeled boots, not because they were heeled but because the ground was cobble-stoned. The guy didn't seem to notice and proceeded to lead me not towards the building of the burial site but off to the side, on a winding slippery ramp, passed some olive trees, passed an Arab singing to himself (I have nothing against peaceful Arabs, but when it's dark, at a gravesite, and a strange man is singing to himself...you get it), so he could show me the view. It was nice, except you couldn't see much in the dark.

I hadn't brought my jacket with me which gave me a good excuse to tell the guy we should get going (as if this were a stop on the way to the real destination). We could see the parking lot but not how to get back to the car so that prolonged our stay at the gravesite a bit longer. It was quite a relief once I was back in the car. As we drove back (this time to the city) he said the line that is making me see red more and more these days: "so, where do you want to go?" Um, you mean the date was meant to be at Nebi Samuel? He then said that he thought going to coffee houses on dates was boring and overdone and that's why he hadn't suggested/done/taken me to one in the first place.

In hindsight the story is amusing, and I'd actually like to know what he was thinking taking a first date to a grave (actually not even to the grave itself, because had we gone in and said a few tehilim, מיילא, I could understand. But to see a dark view of...what?)

Intro

In light of the many nightmarish yet amusing encounters I've come across in shidduch dating it was suggested to me that i write a book of all the stories. After considering the many young girls likely to be turned off of datingcompletely and thereby not find the person they will spend the rest of their lives with, i decided (again, by suggestion) to blog first and see where that takes me. Maybe I'll add the stories up to a book later on, but for now, these stories are too good to hide from those "immune" to their negative influence. All shadchanim and dates (boys) shall remain anonymous!
I look forward to all comments.
Enjoy everyone!
Ayelet